Keeping life interesting

I seem to do the best when I'm at school, as far as posting to my blog comes. Its kinda funny and weirdly ironic that the place where I sometimes have the most headaches I can come and type to my blog without much of a problem at all. Quite frankly, I can think better. I'm wondering if its the multitude of books from nearly every time era that give me some kind of up on my brain power. It could just be the aura that the library gives off; productivity. Which is better than doing nothing.

I've been reading a book called Obsession by John Douglas. If you don't know about him he was a profiler for the FBI and I've read one other book by him; Inside the Mind of BTK. He's a good writer, I enjoy reading his writings and especially about this. It highlights his obsession with solving a crime and getting the answers that he and so many other family members search for. It also goes into detail about the crimes that he has happened to solve and I'm enjoying listening to his obsession as I have my own obsession. Not so much with solving crime but with cleft lip and palate survivors. I adore listening to stories about them. I have a special story about a little boy who found a cleft palate dog. I'll have to find it once I get back home and edit this post with it, but I've got my own obsession.

Insurance companies are one of my obsessions. They push and fight against myself and my family as we schedule more surgeries. All throughout my life we've had to fight to get them to cover even a third. I know I wouldn't have been able to have some of the surgeries that I have had without the help of my grandparents who have been instrumental in this progress. The insurance company seems to believe that the surgeries that I have had are all superfluous. Sure, they could be called that, if you want to. I could have just gone without an upper lip and the bone in the roof of my mouth for the rest of my life. I could have just not been able to eat correctly and been forced the look in the mirror everyday with the painful realization that I could never eat the things that the other kids ate, I could never look like the other kids, I would forever be different. Yes, I am different but I feel I look great. I'm damn glad I don't have a missing upper lip or missing the bone in the roof of my mouth. Quite frankly, the insurance company seems to lose all humanity once they get to where they are and forget what it's like, if they even knew, to have a child with a disability, with a problem, with something that couldn't be fixed with just a hug from mom and a kiss. I feel that they sorely lack a conscience at times and, therefore, need to have some sort of sensitivity classes. Most probably taught by the parents, siblings and grandparents of those children with difficulties in their lives.

I believe my other obsession is to show other cleft lip and palate children out there that there can be a life to be lived. You don't have to be ashamed of what you look like because you look beautiful. Or handsome, if you're a male. You can hold your head up high and say "Yeah, I may look different, but I'm not any different from any of you, I can do everything that you do" and do it. I work a Cold Stone. For those of you who haven't the slightest idea what that is, I go to work serving ice cream and when I get a tip I sing. Yes, I sing. Well, its more of a strange chant, but its the thought that counts, right? But I do that. And yes, I hate doing that but its not because I don't want people to look at me, its far from that, I just don't enjoy having to sing for people (I'm an in the car singer, when no one else is around). I don't want people not to look at me, in fact its quite the opposite. I used to shy away from questions being asked about what was different about my face and now I openly look for questions to be asked. I want to tell people about what I've been through and I want them to know, if they have anyone they know who's a survivor of a cleft lip and palate, that you can do anything you put your mind to. If I wanted to, I could go into politics, run to be a Senator and get into the White House. If I wanted to, I could fly a plane. I go out with my head held high because I've been through this, because its like a badge of honor to show people that I do, indeed, have my scars. I've got scars on the outside and on the inside.

I love to see people who have cleft lips or palates, I feel a sort of kinship with them because I know what they've been through. I know that they're still going through little battles. Regardless of how confident and on top I can be, I still get in the ruts where I hate the way my face looks. Everyone does, I'm no different than the girl sitting across from me on the other computer. I have days where my self esteem goes down, I have days where I would rather stay home than go out but I always remind myself that those days will pass. They always do. Being a cleft lip and palate survivor can be trying at times because you know people will look, people will stare and people will oogle at what you look like, what you've done and how differently you look compared to the person next to you. I know that I look different and I still get stares. I recall once after my lip switch surgrey (which I will explain later in another blog entry) I told my mom that I would claim that I got the scar from a bad car accident. I now wouldn't claim that at all. I remember that was in the time where I was also having a battle against my self esteem and I hadn't managed to love myself in the way that I should. Now I would tell people what happened, how the scar on my lower lip is where my current upper lip used to be. It amazes people to know that you can go through that and be okay with yourself.

Another thing I've become obsessed with is learning everything and anything about cleft lips and palates. I've become a novice expert at what I have and what I've done throughout my life. I'm proud to look back and see how well I've done. I just have a hope that I can reach out. And that's another obsession; to reach out to cleft lip or palate survivors and their parents. To let them know that they're not alone, if they can't see any others with that same problem, that there are many people out there who have struggled just as they are now and that it'll be okay. Everything will be alright, you'll find that life isn't easy but that you can make it through anything if you set your mind to it. I believe that nothing is impossible (aside from the logical impossibles like walking through a wall or something like that (had to add that in because my brother always counters with something like this haha)) and that cleft lip and/or palate survivors actually have a leg up on things. They've already been through hell on earth and life afterwards will be nothing more than a walk in the park. Strangely enough, the more you look at it from all sides, the more likely it becomes that and cleft lip and/or palate survivor will accomplish the unbelievable.

My favorite quote comes from my grandfather on my dad's side. No matter how frustrated at him I can get for him suggesting jobs (but I appreciate it as its done out of nothing more than love) and talking to me about what I should or should not do (again, out of love) I feel amazed when I hear him, as always, say "Is this the prettiest girl in the whole wide world?" like he knows what I needed most when I was younger. Only now have I gotten to the point where I say "Yeah", I used to say "Maybe" or something like that. He knows better than anyone that I needed help for my self esteem, still do at times, and it makes me smile. Thats the best quote ever because it tells me how much in tuned with me he is. Maybe it just has to do with the fact that he can be the most like me or, somehow, he knew that I would need some help with my self esteem, but he knows me so well. I remembered when I finally figured out this little tidbit of information and it made me realize how lucky I am to have people who do give a damn for me. And someone who will constantly tell me how I'm pretty further letting me realize that I am pretty.

And these are my musings for today. I'll go into detail about a lip switch in another blog entry as I have to head on over to my next class. Enjoy reading!